Helping Build Your Teen's Independence

As your child grows and changes, your parenting approach needs to change as well. What worked when your child was 4 years old won't work when they’re 14.

When your child becomes a teen, what they need from you changes a lot. Teens want independence. They want to experiment with who they are. And they want to start making their own decisions.

So how do you support them and keep them safe, while helping them build independence and have self-discovery?

Let them make decisions

Teens need to learn life skills to become independent adults. And decision-making is a big part of that. To help them become more independent, start by letting them make smaller decisions. Over time, allow them to make larger decisions.

For example, let them decide about:

• How they look

• How they decorate and take care of their bedroom

• Their schedules, such as when to do schoolwork and chores

• What classes they take

• What activities they want to do

• How they spend or save their money

• Who they hang out with and what they do with their friends

Be patient and persistent. They will make mistakes, and that’s OK. You’re teaching them how to handle life’s small challenges independently. These experiences will help build their problem-solving skills and resilience.

Give positive feedback

Self-esteem and independence grow when teens feel capable and valued. Praise your teen’s efforts and achievements, even if they seem small. Communicate your love and respect for them. This positive feedback helps support their independence and builds confidence.

Have open communication

Open and honest communication is the foundation for building trust. Trusting your teen will allow you to let them spread their wings a bit more. Encourage them to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns about anything. This includes topics they think might concern you. Accept their feelings and show that you understand. Listen carefully when your teen talks to you.

Make clear boundaries

Independence and boundaries may seem like opposites. But boundaries are important in a healthy parent-child relationship—and for an independent teen. Boundaries should be clear, constant, and agreed on by all of you. Talk with your teen about what you expect. Explain the reasons behind your rules. The goal of these boundaries is not to control your teen. They’re to keep them safe and help guide their behavior. Make sure you tell them that, too.

Support healthy risks

Taking risks is a part of growing up. They help build a teen’s self-confidence and independence. But there are healthy and unhealthy risks. Healthy risks include things like trying out for a school play, applying for a part-time job, or joining a sports team. These help them learn new skills and provide low-risk chances for success and failure.

Show your own healthy behavior

Children often look to their parents as role models. When you show your own healthy behavior and good decision-making, you’re showing them how to be an adult. Remember to respect your own boundaries and feel confident in your abilities.

Keep working on it

Building independence and self-esteem in teens is a balancing act that takes time and patience. Keep guiding them along the way. But give them the freedom to explore and make their own decisions. It can feel hard, but keep going.

The goal is to help them grow into confident, capable, and emotionally smart adults. Remember that every teen is unique. There’s no perfect way to be a parent to a teen. You know your child best, so pick the tactics that might work for them.